Is there any way to “fix” me after being abused for 19 years?

Question by Beckie: Is there any way to “fix” me after being abused for 19 years?
In short, my father is a monster and abused me every day of my life until I left at 19. He would beat me, throw me against objects, down stairs, he would lay on top of me on my bed and “force me into submission” by holding my arms and legs down with his body. He would put me in choke holds until I “submitted” and (his favorite) grab my hands and beat himself in the head really hard. If he couldn’t catch me to do it, he would use a frying pan or flash light and follow me around so I would watch/hear him doing it.

Up until 2 weeks ago, I didn’t blame him. One day, I sat down and just thought about my past and a lightbulb went off in my head: I hate him. I wish he would just die. I DO blame him, and my social awkwardness, insecurities, hatred towards people and occasional outburts are ALL HIS FAULT.

He played so many mind games with me.. he would do somethign, or eat the last of something in the fridge, than 1 day later he would storm up to my room and literally shove the empty package/box in my face (like you would a dog with poo) and scream at how fat and ugly I was. How I was a big fat cow/pig for eating the last of it and how I should have saved some for him. He’d do that for anywhere from 10mins to an hour. Often leaving and coming back to continue the abuse.

Today, I’m weird. i’m socially awkward and can’t have a normal conversation with anyone. I get anxious, and have this “fight or flight” feeling come over me. My mind blanks out and when its my turn to speak.. I never can. When I do, its usually something really stupid which makes me want to hit myself in the head for being so dumb. I’m always wanting to punish myself.. I just want to be normal!

Is there any hope in fixing me? Or am I doomed to be a leper for the rest of my life? At this point.. I don’t think a therapist could even save me.

Maybe my life would make a good book? At least than I’d be a RICH pathetic weird leper..

Best answer:

Answer by Rebecca
I Am so sorry to hear that. That’s so sad. All what you have to do is keep moving forward and never back down and ignore the past. Start a new fresh page.

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6 thoughts on “Is there any way to “fix” me after being abused for 19 years?”

  1. While I feel incredible pity for your past, it sounds to me that you have the same sort of condition that I had in the past. I think many people face social anxiety seeing as you just described the very same feelings that I once felt.

    You just have to keep throwing yourself out into the onslaught of society. You’ll feel like shit at first, but by simply memorising topics to talk about (for example, popular culture, celebrities, recent events, and so on) you’ll be able to slowly become more confident at socialising.

  2. There is always hope; although you don’t believe a therapist would help, i still think you should try it out.
    i do think your experiences would make a good book, and once your cured you can live by example and show many others that have had a abusive past that there is still hope for them.

  3. I agree with what the first person said. Also you need a really good friend. It makes all the difference to know that your friend cares about you. You didn’t deserve what happened to you. If you ever need someone to talk to you can email me cloud.sticker@yahoo.com. There is hope. Your life would make a good book. Read the book, “The Child Called It.” Your life sounds like a milder version of that story. You aren’t a pathetic leper. Even though I don’t know you, I care for you because I’m very empathetic towards people. I don’t like to know that they’re hurting and I try everything to help them. Since you left you can always start over.

  4. yeah babes i also come from a sad past. yours may even have been worse than mine im very sorry to hear it. most days i dont want to leave the house. i have to go out there, go shopping and to the mall and stuff but i actually have to drag myself out of my bed. Ironically enough sometimes i think of a frown someone gave me, like someone behind a till who looked at me weirdly, and then i will think “is that a challenge??!! i am so not gonna take that one” and then i get up and go out into the world and challenge myself. i get this feeling that no one can stop me then. im such a clutz. that also sucks.

    people are generally quite trusting. most people have no idea that i come from a crazy home. Just smile wide and talk to them sweetly and they will think u normal. x

  5. Hi Beckie, I am writing this beczuse I want you to live a healthy and happy life. First of all, you should know and realize that you have already taken steps to come out of your demonic past. You have left your dad, you have expressed yourself here and asked for help, which show that you are in the right direction.

    I plead you not to give up. They say “It’s never late to start anything afresh”. May be at present you are lagging behind a bit, you’re not yet equipped equally with others, but surely everything’s not lost. You can and I know you’ll come up in life.

    Again, never live without hope. There’s plenty to dream, there’s plenty to see, there’s plenty to achieve and there’s plenty to forget. Go and talk to a priest, if you wish to. But most importantly talk to yourself and promise to yourself that you’ll flourish in life. Make some friends. Spend time with them. Share your worries/happiness later when you feel you can. Try to spend some time with children. None can help you to recover and reconstruct your life better than yourself and nature.

    It’s sad but true that life is not fair to all. But that’s where life provides an opportunity to rise above teh ordinary. And miraculously everyone has an extraordinary self in him/her. It’s time that you realize your value and your talents. May be you need some time to do that, but never forget to do that. There’s light at the end of every tunnel, there’s a dawn after every night and there’s God above everyone. May god bless you!!

  6. The biggest thing you have on your side is the years you have left. Leave your father in the past. If you see him as just another person he will lose his power.

    Keep talking to people and you will get better at it. It worked for me. James Earl Jones (guy that did Darth Vader’s voice) used to stammer. But he practiced and practiced and look where he got to.
    Its not easy, but it does get easier.

    Pick a goal – any, it could be getting some writing classes, losing some weight, learning an instrument, appearing in a play etc and then go after it. The process of getting there will be a rush and will give you belief and knowledge.
    You are tough so even if you crash and burn now and again, it cant be any worse then where you have been can it? Also set a goal of how you want to be in 12 months time and then go after it – don’t let anything that does not help you get there, get in your way.
    Your experiences can be a strength in life as many people will crumble under stress but you can laugh in its face.
    Go for it and don’t look back.

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