Is there any way to “fix” me after being abused for 19 years?
Question by Beckie: Is there any way to “fix” me after being abused for 19 years?
In short, my father is a monster and abused me every day of my life until I left at 19. He would beat me, throw me against objects, down stairs, he would lay on top of me on my bed and “force me into submission” by holding my arms and legs down with his body. He would put me in choke holds until I “submitted” and (his favorite) grab my hands and beat himself in the head really hard. If he couldn’t catch me to do it, he would use a frying pan or flash light and follow me around so I would watch/hear him doing it.
Up until 2 weeks ago, I didn’t blame him. One day, I sat down and just thought about my past and a lightbulb went off in my head: I hate him. I wish he would just die. I DO blame him, and my social awkwardness, insecurities, hatred towards people and occasional outburts are ALL HIS FAULT.
He played so many mind games with me.. he would do somethign, or eat the last of something in the fridge, than 1 day later he would storm up to my room and literally shove the empty package/box in my face (like you would a dog with poo) and scream at how fat and ugly I was. How I was a big fat cow/pig for eating the last of it and how I should have saved some for him. He’d do that for anywhere from 10mins to an hour. Often leaving and coming back to continue the abuse.
Today, I’m weird. i’m socially awkward and can’t have a normal conversation with anyone. I get anxious, and have this “fight or flight” feeling come over me. My mind blanks out and when its my turn to speak.. I never can. When I do, its usually something really stupid which makes me want to hit myself in the head for being so dumb. I’m always wanting to punish myself.. I just want to be normal!
Is there any hope in fixing me? Or am I doomed to be a leper for the rest of my life? At this point.. I don’t think a therapist could even save me.
Maybe my life would make a good book? At least than I’d be a RICH pathetic weird leper..
Answer by Rebecca
I Am so sorry to hear that. That’s so sad. All what you have to do is keep moving forward and never back down and ignore the past. Start a new fresh page.
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